Thoughts

I am sincerely sorry for my very late update. I am neither busy nor "lifeless" again. The truth is, I am lazy. Haha! Never changed. Okay..

First of all.. I want to wish my friends who r in serious relationships now. Hope you guys appreciate each others and give time 2 each other, try to understand each other and so on. Hope ya happy together forever. ^^

Hmm... Sometimes i wonder, 'What am I doing?' But you know, it's really hard to determine or conclude whether it's right or wrong. I am sure you do understand right? Your mind is telling you to do this, but you are doing the other way. It's not rational, no meanings, no benefits, no intention. It's just you. You know what is the best, you know exactly what you should do, but it's very annoying that, there's a very strong mind deeply inside your brain tell you that you shouldn't do what you think is right, but do whatever you want to do. Okay.. I know it's a bit confusing.. I hope it's just a bit? If you don't understand at all, er.. You may just skip it, I dont mind. It's just what I am thinking it right now.. May be I am just too free or may be I am just insane? Haha.. It happens sometimes... Then I will keep asking myself, 'Is it right? Why am I doing this? What will happen next? What if I didn't do it? ' The same questions appear again, again and again in my mind.

It's not very good to miss someone too much. I always keep it in mind. Haha! I can't control my mind but, i can control my actions. Most of the time, things do not work that way you expected them to be. Sometimes, I have to admit that, my brother is right.

I know the elders are disturbing sometimes, stopping you do this and that but, what they tell you you probably just don't obey or agree but at very least, you listen. It may not be helpful now but who knows in the future? Respect, watch your manners, be patient...

Alright, I think I'll stop now for this time. I know it's getting boring. XP Okay, I'll try to update a better one next time k? Take care everyone. ^^

Me me me

Argh~~~ The same feeling again... Shit.. I didn't mean to hurt. I couldn't control myself! I was trying very hard to accept what you are but.. I cant control the feeling arose. I can't stop it. I'm sorry...

Man.. Please please stop nagging me.. It's more than enough. I know what I am..

I'm sorry for what I did.. Please don't cry~~~~

Im happy~~~~

LOL... Why my previous posts all so moody??? Okayla.. At least now Im happy!. I mean IM REALLY HAPPY!!!! I love my BB so so much! Muackss!! Love ya love ya love ya!

Can't stop Can't stop!!!

Oh god.. I just cant stop thinking about it. Shit.. Keep waiting and waiting and waiting. For what??? Damn it.. I hate being like this again.. No choice but PLAY~~ Forget the reality by entering the gaming atmosphere. Am I insane? Nearly I think.

Yea.. I have stopped taking picture... Please don't ask why anymore. No point taking it. As if I would send to anyone else again... No. It will just hurt me more and more.

Shit.. Why so sad? I still have long path to walk. New people to meet. New things to learn. That decision I made it myself. 'Waiting for the old one instead of looking for the new one" Should I let it knock me down now? I won't die without men. What's the point being a millionaire, but you can't buy the thing you desire the most?

How much I wish I never had a feeling. Banana, how can I say forget then forget? Is he really a lousy guy? No!! I was the one being lousy. Shit Shit Shit!! I hate being honest to myself!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dying

The feeling.. is stronger than i thought... It's killing me Again.. Im tired.. Im sick of it. I know I was wrong. Im sorry..

Smart and Stupid had a fight. Stupid won. Smart left me and Luck was going with Smart. So now I have no Smart, no Luck...

Im dying.. My soul is trying very hard to leave my body. Trying its very best to leave me.. leave this useless body.. which cant do anything..

Regret

Now that Im regret. Damn regret. I don't want to lie and I hope there's no need to lie. I realized I had screwed everything up again. Again. Shit. Why must I ruin everything when it was all going so perfectly? Man.. I just hope that it's not too late. I still need time, more time to get ready. I wasn't trying hard and yet I'm wasting time here. I have to become better. Im sorry I really am... But i need time to be better and I promise I will try. I need to learn more and more and more. Please, wait... I don't care what's the feedback going to be, but at least, let me explain...

I want to explain.. Im serious this time.

Honesty-1

I dreamt last night...

I dreamt of him. It's not the usual dreams that I always had before - that he finally came back to me without any explanations about why he left, and I forgave him just like that. But the last dream was different, I cried and asked him to stay with me, and he told me at last, "I found a new one..". That the only sentence I remembered, and suprisingly, I smiled and wished him. All sincerely..

This had been a long time since I was honest to myself and even to people around.. I didn't show people how i really felt and thoughts. Whenever i felt there's something i didn't want to share, I would just shut up instead of lying. I'm not good at it. Still, Im not honest to other people, even to myself... I lied to myself that i could move on without him, without any changes in my life...

I had a 'lifeless' life before... It had been more than three years from now. I can't remember what I did in the past few minutes. It took time for me to realize what i was actually doing. The tears rolled down my cheeks without my consciousness. It was not surprised to find bruises or cuts on my hands or legs. I felt numb. The time went slow.. Every minutes passed longer than an hour. Only games can help me passed the time. Nightmares every nights. Though there were not really nightmares.. It's just that, it was so perfect dream that I would want to sleep forever, because I knew that if I woke up from it, everything vanished and had forced to be back to reality. I hated it... If you are not giving it to me forever, why did you giv it to me at the first time..?

I had been reading too much nowdays. Until my eyes blurred and head spinned. I just finished "New Moon". I was so addicted to it because her case was very close to mine. I can't help crying while reading it. It reminded me again and again about my 'lifeless" past. I'm still trying very hard to back to my normal life. Though sometimes i felt myself was so 'fake'. Fake smiles, fake responsess... What a hypocrite.. I'm getting used to say 'yes yes yes' as my usual response. So that I wouldnt need to explain more. I daydreamed a lot. That sometimes I will lost in mind. I wasnt thinking anything. But blank.. It's just white colour and nothing in it, no sounds no people. I think that's the only time I could rest my brain for just few minutes.

I wanted to write it down. So that when i became a hypocrite and pretending again. I'd know there was a truth buried underneath the lies. At least be honest to myself once in a long while...