Honesty-1

I dreamt last night...

I dreamt of him. It's not the usual dreams that I always had before - that he finally came back to me without any explanations about why he left, and I forgave him just like that. But the last dream was different, I cried and asked him to stay with me, and he told me at last, "I found a new one..". That the only sentence I remembered, and suprisingly, I smiled and wished him. All sincerely..

This had been a long time since I was honest to myself and even to people around.. I didn't show people how i really felt and thoughts. Whenever i felt there's something i didn't want to share, I would just shut up instead of lying. I'm not good at it. Still, Im not honest to other people, even to myself... I lied to myself that i could move on without him, without any changes in my life...

I had a 'lifeless' life before... It had been more than three years from now. I can't remember what I did in the past few minutes. It took time for me to realize what i was actually doing. The tears rolled down my cheeks without my consciousness. It was not surprised to find bruises or cuts on my hands or legs. I felt numb. The time went slow.. Every minutes passed longer than an hour. Only games can help me passed the time. Nightmares every nights. Though there were not really nightmares.. It's just that, it was so perfect dream that I would want to sleep forever, because I knew that if I woke up from it, everything vanished and had forced to be back to reality. I hated it... If you are not giving it to me forever, why did you giv it to me at the first time..?

I had been reading too much nowdays. Until my eyes blurred and head spinned. I just finished "New Moon". I was so addicted to it because her case was very close to mine. I can't help crying while reading it. It reminded me again and again about my 'lifeless" past. I'm still trying very hard to back to my normal life. Though sometimes i felt myself was so 'fake'. Fake smiles, fake responsess... What a hypocrite.. I'm getting used to say 'yes yes yes' as my usual response. So that I wouldnt need to explain more. I daydreamed a lot. That sometimes I will lost in mind. I wasnt thinking anything. But blank.. It's just white colour and nothing in it, no sounds no people. I think that's the only time I could rest my brain for just few minutes.

I wanted to write it down. So that when i became a hypocrite and pretending again. I'd know there was a truth buried underneath the lies. At least be honest to myself once in a long while...